First date. Done. Was he as expected? No. Was he my type? No. Was he at least good looking, charming and entertaining? I wish. That said, he was pleasant. Sorry, but that's all I got. Had I realised this when I was waiting 30 minutes for him to arrive, I doubt I would have stayed. Tell a lie, I would of waited. However, I definitely had better things to do with my Friday night, and sitting like a loner, clutching a glass of red as I completed the Metro Sudoku in the middle of a busy bar wasn't one of them.
Not only did my date arrive late, but he didn't look as if he'd made much effort. Unshaven and casually dressed in ripped jeans and tired Converse (both traits I hate I might add, as it doesn't take much to make an impression). Despite this he managed to scrape together a decent enough conversation to get us through one drink and off to dinner. As recommended by The Rules, I left the planning to him, so had no idea where we were heading. By the initial sound of it, neither did he, as he suggested that we head to South Bank to walk along the parade and choose from one of the many restaurants there. 'Just let me know when you see one you like', he said. OK I thought, I can run with this. Oooo....Ping Pong. 'That looks nice', I say. Silence. We keep walking. Clearly, he didn't think I was worth Ping Pong money. Cheek. Instead we ended up in cheap and cheerful Wagamamas. Now, I love a bit of Thai fusion, but Wags! For a DINNER DATE!!! Might as well have taken me to Nandos. From here the date just got worse. He slated his ex over dinner and proceeded to tell me, in a round about way, that he had NO FIXED ABODE!!!! Yes, that's right Ladies. I was on a date with a Gypsy. Seems he split from the mother of his children over 6 months ago and has been sleeping wherever he can lay his head ever since. This includes his car and place of work. Not sure about you, but my first thought was, 'I hope this man's not looking for a London address from me!!'. I mean, how can you be this whatless at the age of 32? More to the point, what are you doing out on a date with me? Don't you have a home to find?
So you see, being on time isn't all its cracked up to be. Both times, yes I said it, BOTH times I've been on time for a date they've been a complete waste of time. The first one because he turned up 40 mins late in a full 70's ensemble, complete with shiny nylon shirt, flares and juicy jerry curl to boot. Not only did he then proceed to spend the entire night bragging about his past modelling days, current clubbing days and privileged Swiss upbringing, but he then went on to tell me not to watch what he ordered, as he ate before he came out. WTF. We arranged to go to DINNER!!! Even then, he only ordered something because the couple on the table next to us offered us a 2 for 1 voucher. Tight arse. The icing on the cake was getting my car locked in the multi storey car park overnight because Bragger Jerry here couldn't shut up and pay the bill fast enough. What a nightmare! Where do I find these men? I must say, little reminders such as these give me the motivation and strength to follow through with these rigid rules. Hopefully, they'll save me a few Friday nights. Even just the one, would be worth the cost of the book.
Sunday 30 January 2011
Friday 28 January 2011
Tonights the Night
Before I run through an update on my foetal love life, I thought I'd share a little experience with you. Last night, and completely out of the ordinary, I managed to get a seat on the ever over crowded jubilee line (tube). Both Men and women were willingly moving out the way to allow me to access the front of the carriage, where one lone chair remained. Sitting comfortably in my seat, I realised I wasn't so comfortable after all. There was me thinking that us Londoners don't deserve the harsh, mean reputation we've managed to bag, when it hit me. The SMELL~~~~ The dude next to me had just let go of what smelt like the entire contents of his bowels in wind form. To say I was stuck for words is irrelevant, as I was more importantly struggling for air!!! From the smirking, well mannered passengers, I could tell that the look on my face revealed that I was now wise to the reason the seat was empty . That'll teach me to have high standards on the tube. Should have settled for the cramped nook under the overly friendly Ukrainian's armpit. At least there I could breath.
The count down to the first date begins. He has emailed me to confirm again for tonight, and to apologise for not being able to 'go on some heavy clubbing night', as he now had an early start the next morning. I thought we were just going on a casual first date, not preparing to paint the town Red. It seems that he was worried that I'd think he was boring for keeping me out all hours. I reassured him it was fine. As little did he know, I'd already planned to end the date after 3/4 hours (The Rules) and make it home in time to see Hustle. I loves me some Adrian Lester :-)x
Now, having meet my date online, I feel I need to refresh myself with his profile (likes, dislikes, interests etc) or order to have enough ammo for some Light conversation. E&S advise that at all costs that I avoid all talk of my past relationships, my daughter, my emotions and his future intentions. Damn you rules. I feel like I've got a tonne of home work to do before I even meet this guy! Also, it might be wise to quickly refresh myself on The Rules. Damn it!!! FORGOT MY BOOK!!! Girls, I'm going in blind.
P.S. I've also just noticed a ladder in my tights. Please don't let this be a sign of the evening to come!
The count down to the first date begins. He has emailed me to confirm again for tonight, and to apologise for not being able to 'go on some heavy clubbing night', as he now had an early start the next morning. I thought we were just going on a casual first date, not preparing to paint the town Red. It seems that he was worried that I'd think he was boring for keeping me out all hours. I reassured him it was fine. As little did he know, I'd already planned to end the date after 3/4 hours (The Rules) and make it home in time to see Hustle. I loves me some Adrian Lester :-)x
Now, having meet my date online, I feel I need to refresh myself with his profile (likes, dislikes, interests etc) or order to have enough ammo for some Light conversation. E&S advise that at all costs that I avoid all talk of my past relationships, my daughter, my emotions and his future intentions. Damn you rules. I feel like I've got a tonne of home work to do before I even meet this guy! Also, it might be wise to quickly refresh myself on The Rules. Damn it!!! FORGOT MY BOOK!!! Girls, I'm going in blind.
P.S. I've also just noticed a ladder in my tights. Please don't let this be a sign of the evening to come!
A Countdown to the 1st Date
At lunch earlier this week I updated a male friend on my current quest to master and test The Rules. However, despite E&S's assurance that men like and respect these rules, his response was a complete contradiction. In short he said;
His reaction kind of wrapped up my initial interpretation of The Rules, although my language wasn't quite as colourful. Being a man he thought the whole concept was laughable, but agreed to follow my progress purely for entertainment purposes. As a note to all men, don't take it personal.
Finally managed to bag a date for the weekend. Yea!!! Whoop Whoop! As per the rules, I didn't instigate the meeting or conversation. I didn't respond to every email and message and those I did respond to were equally timed to show I wasn't sitting around waiting for him to call or message me. I politely declined any spare of the moment meetings and patiently waited for him to request one in advance. Although I think I may have cheated a little when I mentioned that I'd be open to something later in the week. :-s Any ho....he still set the date and confirmed with 4 days notice, and contacted me to reconfirm our plans the day before. All played accoridng to the rules. Well done you.
The whole process only took a matter of days, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it was positively hard work. I seriously had to show restraint. After a year of teaching myself to be more upfront and active in my love life, I'm now having to learn to be tactically passive. What is this, a game of battleships. Each of us throwing missles in a blind hope to 'take the other down'? (all puns intended :-) ) Soooo much harder than I thought. Apparently, in this game, it doesn't pay to be the leader by any means. Instead I'm having to think about every move I make and every conversation I have, with a lot of it not coming so naturally. I'm such a 'fly by the seat of my pants' kinda gal. All this planning and rethinking it tiring. For example, not answering all their questions! So what, I just blank him. Look him in the face and say...nothing! Ummm...don't know about you, but I'd get pretty pissed, pretty quickly if the person I was talking to kept blanking me mind converstaion. Apparently this is supposed to allow you to keep an air of mystery about you. Of course it does, he'll be off after the first 30 mins so EVERYTHING about you will be a mystery. Just not one he'd care to discover. Good job I'm a quick thinkier. I can see me getting quite creative this weekend.
Despite the urge to tell him when and where to meet and where I wanted to go, I'm letting him surprise me. What a mistake. Seeing as we are meeting after work, he has arranged for us to meet at 5.30 pm!!! Man, I told the man I finished work at 5! No time to go home and change, so needed to ensure that I wore an outfit that I can easily convert to date wear, and ensure that he doesn't keep me out too late. That said, his list of events for the night have so far included, pre dinner drinks, dinner, more drinks up town followed by a further bar or club. Mate, I don't know about you, but I'd need to go home and 'hol a fresh' before all that! Well, lets see how it goes. The count down has now begun
'So they tell you to treat them (men) like shit and they'll love you?'
His reaction kind of wrapped up my initial interpretation of The Rules, although my language wasn't quite as colourful. Being a man he thought the whole concept was laughable, but agreed to follow my progress purely for entertainment purposes. As a note to all men, don't take it personal.
Finally managed to bag a date for the weekend. Yea!!! Whoop Whoop! As per the rules, I didn't instigate the meeting or conversation. I didn't respond to every email and message and those I did respond to were equally timed to show I wasn't sitting around waiting for him to call or message me. I politely declined any spare of the moment meetings and patiently waited for him to request one in advance. Although I think I may have cheated a little when I mentioned that I'd be open to something later in the week. :-s Any ho....he still set the date and confirmed with 4 days notice, and contacted me to reconfirm our plans the day before. All played accoridng to the rules. Well done you.
The whole process only took a matter of days, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it was positively hard work. I seriously had to show restraint. After a year of teaching myself to be more upfront and active in my love life, I'm now having to learn to be tactically passive. What is this, a game of battleships. Each of us throwing missles in a blind hope to 'take the other down'? (all puns intended :-) ) Soooo much harder than I thought. Apparently, in this game, it doesn't pay to be the leader by any means. Instead I'm having to think about every move I make and every conversation I have, with a lot of it not coming so naturally. I'm such a 'fly by the seat of my pants' kinda gal. All this planning and rethinking it tiring. For example, not answering all their questions! So what, I just blank him. Look him in the face and say...nothing! Ummm...don't know about you, but I'd get pretty pissed, pretty quickly if the person I was talking to kept blanking me mind converstaion. Apparently this is supposed to allow you to keep an air of mystery about you. Of course it does, he'll be off after the first 30 mins so EVERYTHING about you will be a mystery. Just not one he'd care to discover. Good job I'm a quick thinkier. I can see me getting quite creative this weekend.
Despite the urge to tell him when and where to meet and where I wanted to go, I'm letting him surprise me. What a mistake. Seeing as we are meeting after work, he has arranged for us to meet at 5.30 pm!!! Man, I told the man I finished work at 5! No time to go home and change, so needed to ensure that I wore an outfit that I can easily convert to date wear, and ensure that he doesn't keep me out too late. That said, his list of events for the night have so far included, pre dinner drinks, dinner, more drinks up town followed by a further bar or club. Mate, I don't know about you, but I'd need to go home and 'hol a fresh' before all that! Well, lets see how it goes. The count down has now begun
Sunday 23 January 2011
Preparing for The Rules: - Point 1 - Pass, Point 2 - Total Fail
Since finishing the The Rules on Thursday, I have been making a concerted effort to stick to them. I've not initiated any conversations with men, I have not called any and I have made at least one social plan for the week to get me out there meeting new people. However, after my over zealous preparation for The Rules,, I've fallen at the first hurdle and put myself out the game.
What have you done, I hear you say? Running. Who would have thought it would be that painful. Ellen and Sherrie (E&S: The Complete Book of Rules) tell you to 'be the best you can be'. In short, go to the gym, loose those stubborn extra pounds, or in my case get started on them, and tart yourself up for every occasion. Men are visual, so to attract them, you've got to pull out your A game and make it your only game. Now, I'm not an exercise phob, nor am I adverse to taking care of myself, but they've openly implied that I might be single because I a) lacked vanity and b) didn't look good enough!! Cough, cough....How dare you, I'm a cutie if ever I saw one, and at the last count, vanity wasn't a positive character trait by any standards. Whatever happened to finding a man to love you despite your flaws? According to E&S, this just isn't going to happen. Their message; 'Look good, get attention, get married'. Period. Damn! What a reality check. So much for being the pretty big girl with the cracking personality. Apparently those women don't get married. No more 'off Days' for me.
By the by, if I say I'm going to do something, I go all out. I've said I'm going to do The Rules and that's exactly what I'm going to do. How else am I truly going to put The Rules to the test. In true Mysty fashion, I've even signed up to complete a 5k run in March just to give myself to give myself a physical target. What was I thinking? I can't run. I get breathless running up the stairs. I must have mentioned my apprehension to an one of the girls at work, who happens to be an avid long distance runner and as such, felt it her place to give me some well conditioned advise on a suitable training plan to graduate me from a complete novice to tribal running queen. Her words were,
Later that night I was meant to meet friends for a night out at a lush Casino Royal night in South Kensington. Perfect opportunity to get dressed up and work the room, practising my rules. However, when it got to about 5 pm, I was so tired I couldn't even walk to the local shopping center, let alone manage to schmooze all night at a plush do. We were also meant to attend a friend's house party across the other side of London. Desperate and aching, I had to bail. Sorry Ellen and Sherrie, but this time, I couldn't force myself to go out, even if I didn't feel like it (another prep rule). It just wasn't physically possible. Thankfully, The Lady's Godmother has been a god send and still offered to keep her over night to give me some well deserved time off. Did I use it productively? Well of course. Take out, wine and my fav show - Check. Hot bath - Check. Fresh Satin Sheets - check. Painted toe nails and fingers - Check. What else does a girl need.
I'll be back on the rules tomorrow and will start planning a new social event for the week. First things first, my second run. No hills this time though. Bring on the pain...Ggrrrrr!
What have you done, I hear you say? Running. Who would have thought it would be that painful. Ellen and Sherrie (E&S: The Complete Book of Rules) tell you to 'be the best you can be'. In short, go to the gym, loose those stubborn extra pounds, or in my case get started on them, and tart yourself up for every occasion. Men are visual, so to attract them, you've got to pull out your A game and make it your only game. Now, I'm not an exercise phob, nor am I adverse to taking care of myself, but they've openly implied that I might be single because I a) lacked vanity and b) didn't look good enough!! Cough, cough....How dare you, I'm a cutie if ever I saw one, and at the last count, vanity wasn't a positive character trait by any standards. Whatever happened to finding a man to love you despite your flaws? According to E&S, this just isn't going to happen. Their message; 'Look good, get attention, get married'. Period. Damn! What a reality check. So much for being the pretty big girl with the cracking personality. Apparently those women don't get married. No more 'off Days' for me.
By the by, if I say I'm going to do something, I go all out. I've said I'm going to do The Rules and that's exactly what I'm going to do. How else am I truly going to put The Rules to the test. In true Mysty fashion, I've even signed up to complete a 5k run in March just to give myself to give myself a physical target. What was I thinking? I can't run. I get breathless running up the stairs. I must have mentioned my apprehension to an one of the girls at work, who happens to be an avid long distance runner and as such, felt it her place to give me some well conditioned advise on a suitable training plan to graduate me from a complete novice to tribal running queen. Her words were,
'start with a mile a week, increase this by a mile a week, then double it at the end. If your still a little short of your 5k target, don't worry, on the day you'll still make it. It'll be easy'.Is this chick for real! Does she want me to develop asthma? If running was as easy as that, wouldn't we all be doing it? In hindsite I can seriously see something wrong with this picture, but at the time I was fully charged with her positive words. So the following morning, like a naive child eager to grow up, I power walked the 1.08 mile journey to The Lady's school in record time, before running the same distance over the hill and back home, (The Lady being my daughter). Not far I hear you say. 'That's easy'. You know, I would probably agree, if it wasn't the first time I was doing any running since leaving school some thirteen years ago! My tights were on FIRE!!! This was all on 2 hours sleep, following a catering gig in the early hours of the morning, so to say I was beat, was an under statement. I had finally realised what it felt like to feel OLD, and it hurt (shudder).
Later that night I was meant to meet friends for a night out at a lush Casino Royal night in South Kensington. Perfect opportunity to get dressed up and work the room, practising my rules. However, when it got to about 5 pm, I was so tired I couldn't even walk to the local shopping center, let alone manage to schmooze all night at a plush do. We were also meant to attend a friend's house party across the other side of London. Desperate and aching, I had to bail. Sorry Ellen and Sherrie, but this time, I couldn't force myself to go out, even if I didn't feel like it (another prep rule). It just wasn't physically possible. Thankfully, The Lady's Godmother has been a god send and still offered to keep her over night to give me some well deserved time off. Did I use it productively? Well of course. Take out, wine and my fav show - Check. Hot bath - Check. Fresh Satin Sheets - check. Painted toe nails and fingers - Check. What else does a girl need.
I'll be back on the rules tomorrow and will start planning a new social event for the week. First things first, my second run. No hills this time though. Bring on the pain...Ggrrrrr!
Wednesday 19 January 2011
Help. Apparently I need some.
Following an eventful dating year in 2010, with little to show for it other than a list of comical horror dating stories, I've decided that I need a more focused route to love. Taking the advice and recommendations of a close friend and an even closer family member, I've decided to get a 'dating education'. Now, I'm a little sceptical at best about love thyself help books, but seeing as my track record is billed to headline its own comedy act, I'm the beggar and I can't be choosy. Lets not get it twisted, I'll be choosy about my men, but right now I have been classified, by those that shall remain nameless (you know who you are), as being in need of HELP!
So to get started I've been advised to read two books. The first is 'Think like a man, Act like a Lady by Steve Harvey. A low down on how men think, how to understand their simple mindset, and how use it to your advantage to capture the man of our dreams. Anyone who knows anything about black comedy knows that Steve can get your knickers on the brink of damp with his too true to life gags. However, his book was surprisingly serious enough for me to think twice about my past behaviour with men. That's not to say that he didn't get a few laughs out of me with his 'uhmmm girl' examples. One page in and I was hooked, knocking out the whole book in a matter of hours, 5.5 to be exact.
I am ashamed to say that I was also too embarrassed to read the book openly in public, for the fear of all the funny looks on the train commute to work. You know the kind, 'sorry, needy ass bunny reading that crap, too desperate for words. Weak, just weak'. And that was just the women. All the men were giving me daggers like I was their gold digging ex-wife that just cleared them out for a cold £5m. I knew deep down all you women wanted to know what secrets I was learning inside those covers. Sad how spiteful some women can be. That said, the need to enjoy my book in peace forced me, notice how I said forced...lol, to use a SKY ad pull out to wrap the cover. If you want the secrets, go and buy your own book!!!
Steve's first and most valid point was based on the fact that men are simple creatures. Unlike us, they categorically CANNOT multi-task, no matter what he tells you. This would be coming from the same guy who couldn't even eat his dinner whilst he's favorite football team was playing. Baring this in mind Steve goes on to say that a man can not commit to you until he has figured out his Life plan and has achieved his goal or is at least actively and comfortably on the way to achieving it. Until then, he's just too preoccupied with making it happen to make time for you. In that instant, by childhood sweetheart popped to mind. He was exactly one of those men. Always fighting for a plan, but seemingly sidetracked by the relationship we were having. At the time, I was too young and naive to know the signs, and used to stress myself over the heartache of things not progressing as I THOUGHT they should. Now I just realise that it wasn't our time, but that took me over ten years to decipher! Oh, and 2 mins of reading this book! Pissed. It did make me wonder why relationship books or workshops weren't handed out at school, or even passed down in this fashion from mother to daughter over the years. Instead, we get bombarded with 'plant gestation' and sex ed. How hard is it to realise that a stick and hole match? Its much harder working out other stuff that supports or leads to it. Where else do you think Steve and others made their money. Would have saved the government a whoooole lot a money in single parent benefits.
There's a lot more to the book, but I won't spoil it for you all in one go.
The second book was The Complete Book of Rules; How to capture the heart of Mr Right. I know you all know it, and so will I soon. Still working my way though it with the handy aid of my SKY ad ;-). Almost there and looking forward to putting the advice of both books in to action. Watch this space to see if the so called 'help', is actually that helpful.
So to get started I've been advised to read two books. The first is 'Think like a man, Act like a Lady by Steve Harvey. A low down on how men think, how to understand their simple mindset, and how use it to your advantage to capture the man of our dreams. Anyone who knows anything about black comedy knows that Steve can get your knickers on the brink of damp with his too true to life gags. However, his book was surprisingly serious enough for me to think twice about my past behaviour with men. That's not to say that he didn't get a few laughs out of me with his 'uhmmm girl' examples. One page in and I was hooked, knocking out the whole book in a matter of hours, 5.5 to be exact.
I am ashamed to say that I was also too embarrassed to read the book openly in public, for the fear of all the funny looks on the train commute to work. You know the kind, 'sorry, needy ass bunny reading that crap, too desperate for words. Weak, just weak'. And that was just the women. All the men were giving me daggers like I was their gold digging ex-wife that just cleared them out for a cold £5m. I knew deep down all you women wanted to know what secrets I was learning inside those covers. Sad how spiteful some women can be. That said, the need to enjoy my book in peace forced me, notice how I said forced...lol, to use a SKY ad pull out to wrap the cover. If you want the secrets, go and buy your own book!!!
Steve's first and most valid point was based on the fact that men are simple creatures. Unlike us, they categorically CANNOT multi-task, no matter what he tells you. This would be coming from the same guy who couldn't even eat his dinner whilst he's favorite football team was playing. Baring this in mind Steve goes on to say that a man can not commit to you until he has figured out his Life plan and has achieved his goal or is at least actively and comfortably on the way to achieving it. Until then, he's just too preoccupied with making it happen to make time for you. In that instant, by childhood sweetheart popped to mind. He was exactly one of those men. Always fighting for a plan, but seemingly sidetracked by the relationship we were having. At the time, I was too young and naive to know the signs, and used to stress myself over the heartache of things not progressing as I THOUGHT they should. Now I just realise that it wasn't our time, but that took me over ten years to decipher! Oh, and 2 mins of reading this book! Pissed. It did make me wonder why relationship books or workshops weren't handed out at school, or even passed down in this fashion from mother to daughter over the years. Instead, we get bombarded with 'plant gestation' and sex ed. How hard is it to realise that a stick and hole match? Its much harder working out other stuff that supports or leads to it. Where else do you think Steve and others made their money. Would have saved the government a whoooole lot a money in single parent benefits.
There's a lot more to the book, but I won't spoil it for you all in one go.
The second book was The Complete Book of Rules; How to capture the heart of Mr Right. I know you all know it, and so will I soon. Still working my way though it with the handy aid of my SKY ad ;-). Almost there and looking forward to putting the advice of both books in to action. Watch this space to see if the so called 'help', is actually that helpful.
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